Good advice and dirty jokes

Alex Romanov 18 May, 2016

Got some calls this week. One of my old roommates just became a father. Two days later: my niece is now three months pregnant. The day after that: another announcement, but this one I have to keep secret. So I can’t say, sorry. Anyways, people around me are getting pregnant all of a sudden, and I will be an uncle in eight months’ time (sorry about your secret, bro!).

Along with those announcements, you get the ‘it changes your life forever’, and the ‘they take all your energy, but they’re such a blessing’. You almost get the feeling it’s hard work being a parent. Luckily there are stacks and stacks of books on how to be pregnant, how to keep your infant alive, how to help your child develop, so it masters origami at the age of three..

Instant noodles are a decent meal, especially when the brain needs power and time is scarce.

But what I’m most worried about, there is not a single book on how to be a good uncle. How does a stroller work? What are diapers? What is it that uncles do or do not, exactly? Probably babysit occasionally. Tell dirty jokes. Give unwanted advice at birthday parties. Yeah, that’s what my uncles always did… So, for my upcoming nephew, a summary of my gained wisdom: 

1 You can easily leave your clean laundry wet in the machine as long as you leave the door open. It will still smell reasonably fresh after 48 hours.

2 If duct tape or glue can fix it, it’s not really broken. If they can’t, hide it and deny any involvement.

3 Why pay for decent housing when you’re out socializing all the time? Search for a bar where you feel at home. When the walls of your room are held together by duct tape.. well, see point 2. No biggie.

4 The fastest way to empty a beer can, is by poking a hole in the bottom and drink from that while you open it the regular way.

5 It’s okay to have your face covered in fluorescent paint when pushing 30. 16-year-olds will think you’re hip, no matter what their facial expression may imply.

6 Good music is for sharing. Preferably with the neighbours. Through the walls.

7 Instant noodles are a decent meal, especially when the brain needs power and time is scarce. I’m talking weeks here, of course.

8 If food smells good, it probably is, no matter what the expiration date says (and bravery is considered attractive by many women).

9 Professors say nothing that isn’t in the book, and summaries cover the important parts of those books. When you’re not sure about what to answer on a test, go for quantity.

10 The need for coffee is often mistaken by the need for sleep. Especially deadlines can trick you into this. Shaky, sweaty hands just means you need noodles.

11 When you meet that special someone, that really cute girl with brains and humour (and who, for some obscure reason still thinks you’re attractive when drunk), REMEMBER HER NAME. Carve it into your arm for all I care.

On second thought, he might be better off if I watch some reruns of doctor Phill and go with that… And the best cure for diarrhea is cucumber, only it hurts like hell.